NOTE: As part of a self-guided retreat, I’ve been directed to make this list. I want to share it, so I’m posting it here. (The items listed are a brainstorm, and not necessarily written in order of priority.)

I have compassion for:

• Suffering animals
• Suffering people
• People who are homeless
• People who are abused
• Addicts of all kinds
• People who are misunderstood
• People who are mentally ill
• People who have difficulty forgiving
• Approval seekers, because deep inside, we don’t believe we’re okay, and that is a tremendous source of pain
• People who cannot find their way out of suffering
• People who believe they are trapped in relationships, jobs, or other situations
• People who, for whatever reason, do not live in harmony with their sexual orientations
• Twisted and violent people — haters, abusers and killers
• Caged animals
• Myself
• My family
• My ex-husband and his family
• My friends
• My enemies
• Soldiers in Iraq
• People who are overweight
• People who hate their bodies
• People who hate themselves

I will add to this list as I think of more things…

NOTE: As part of a self-guided retreat, I’ve been directed to make this list. I want to share it, so I’m posting it here. (The items listed are a brainstorm, and not necessarily written in order of priority.)

I am grateful:

• To my Master, for his genuine compassion, his loving direction, his delicious nastiness, his delightful personality, his everlasting love, his beautiful body, and the sizzling, soul-deep connection we have
• For our home — its location, configuration, and size are absolutely perfect for me, and I feel like I belong here
• To my mother, for everything she taught me, and for her limitless love
• For spiritual teachings I’ve received, which are healing my wounds, calming my fears, and opening my heart
• To my father, for the things he did right
• For my health — despite some problems, all in all I am still very healthy and strong
• For my mind — its creativity, versatility, intelligence, and occasional clarity
• For my ears, eyes, and nose, which show me the wonders of the world
• For the beauty of nature, in all of its environments and expressions
• For music, and the way it strokes my soul
• To life (karma?), for giving me as much suffering as I could possibly bear — enough to teach me deep compassion, but not enough to destroy me
• For my compassionate heart
• For my physical beauty
• For the internet, and all of the ways it has broadened and improved my world
• For lakes and oceans, and the way they soothe and excite me
• For mountains, in the way they lift up and exhilarate me
• To friends who have treated me better than I treated myself or them

I will add to this list as I think of more things…

What the renowned Buddhist teacher, Thich Nhat Hahn, has said in this quote so perfectly describes what my Master and I have found, that I decided to share it by posting it here. May it be of benefit to those who love and those who aspire to love.

“Nothing is more beautiful than true love. In true love we don’t make each other worry, suffer, or get angry. On the contrary, we have the ability to offer joy and reduce suffering in our loved one. Because of understanding, we know how to love, and we don’t rob the joy, the appreciation, the inspiration of our loved one; we don’t force our loved one to think like we think, to act like we act, to like the things that we like, but we let our loved one maintain herself. In true love there is no discrimination. In true love we always think of ways to help our loved one to carry out their dream, their aspiration. And the other person will equally support us in that way. Our love will not be limited or prohibited by any religion or theology. When we have happiness in our love, we have the ability to create happiness for other people. That love can be developed to embrace all human beings, it can keep growing endlessly so that one day it can embrace the whole universe. In Buddhism this love is called love without boundaries.”

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Okay. I’ve filled out several on-line BDSM checklists now, but such things can be rather unwieldy when it comes to practical straight-talk between a Master and slave about who you are and what you really want.

I don’t expect my Master to bottom from the top (make all of his decisions based on what I would like), but I still think it’s important to communicate. Sometimes my Master and I have found out surprising things about each other from discussing scenes in erotic novels, etc. So, even if you think you know someone…it never hurts to spell it out.

Recently, reading “The Bottoming Book,” I saw an excellent suggestion: to categorize BDSM activities as “Yes,” “Maybe,” and “No.” The book then goes on to recommend that you go back through your “Yes” list and find the “Must Haves” — things you don’t believe you can be happy in a relationship without.

So, without further ado, here are my current lists:

YES

• Whipping/Flogging (all types)*
• Spanking (all types)*
• Paddling/Strapping/Cropping/Caning*
• Rough Sex*
• All forms of Oral Sex including Cock Worship, Face-Fucking, & Deep Throat*
• Foot Worship*
• Body Worship*
• Rituals*
• Sitting at the Feet Of*
• Kneeling*
• Crawling*
• Gags (all types)*
• Vibrator Play*
• Nipple Torture*
• Labial Torture*
• Clothespins (just about anywhere)*
• Bondage* (all forms and durations as long as they do not cause lasting or permanent injury)
• Collars*
• Ass Play (all types incl. enemas)*
• Corporal Punishment*
• Face slapping
• Touch or Contact Restriction
• Assuming Positions on Command
• Orgasm Control
• Hair Pulling
• Pinching
• Biting (that does not cause lasting injury or harm)
• Serving as Art or Furniture
• Exhibitionism (web)
• Public Scening (among other players/lifestylers)
• Leashes
• Blindfolds
• Spreader Bars
• Double Penetration (dildo or cock)
• Candle/Wax Play
• Water Sports
• Wearing Fluids
• Rimming & Anal/Oral
• Piercings, Permanent (done by professional)

* = Must haves

MAYBE:

• Pony/Pet play
• Exhibitionism (among vanillas)
• Teasing (I tolerate this but usually don’t enjoy it)
• Including Others
• Caging
• Chastity Belts
• Suspension
• Vaginal Dilation
• Anal Dilation
• Choking (safe)
• Scratching
• Permanent Marking
• Electricity (Tens Unit or Violet Wand)
• Ice Cubes
• Chamber Pots
• Wrestling

NO:
(NOTE: Some of these are because I am claustrophobic and panic when too confined)

• Mummification
• Full Head Hoods
• Straight Jackets
• Sensory Deprivation
• Cutting
• Knife Play
• Temporary Piercings & Needle Play
• Brown Showers
• Abandonment
• Diapers
• Tickling

That’s all, folks! (For now…)

For me, scening is at least as much psychological as it is physical. I respond very strongly to the right verbal commands and stimuli and, in light of that, I’ve decided to compile a list of “hot phrases” (ones likely to send me closer to orgasm) and “cold phrases” (ones likely to send me away from orgasm).

There are a lot more hot phrases than cold phrases, but the cold ones are significant because of their potential to set a scene back. Whenever I’ve listed a cold phrase, I’ve done my best to explain why it can cause a problem for me, at my current level of training.

As my Master and I learn more about scening, we are discovering that the Top can be tremendously empowered by knowing more about the inner workings of the bottom’s mind. Therefore, my listing these phrases and ideas here isn’t a case of “topping from the bottom;” rather, it’s a way to provide Master with an arsenal of verbal/psychological weapons he can use as he sees fit. He still has all the power, and knowledge is power.

This journal post will probably change as time goes on — I will update it as fantasy or experience teaches me more.

Note: attaching my given first name to a Hot Phrase is never a bad idea, and neither is attaching other pet names such as “slut,” “cunt,” “tramp,” etc.

Hot Phrases

• Let it go.
• Let it all go.
• Let my love in.
• I love controlling you like this.
• Do you like being used, slut?
• Shut up or I’ll gag you.
• Quit whining. It won’t do you any good.
• Don’t move.
• Awww….does that hurt? Good. It’s supposed to.
• Suffer for me.
• I love it when you suffer for me.
• You’re so sexy when you’re suffering.
• Take it for me.
• Good girl!
• That’s my girl!
• That’s it Darlin’. Take my cock; take all of it.
• Keep your eyes closed and don’t open them until I tell you.
• Keep your eyes open and look at me.
• Look at my cock. Don’t you dare look away from my cock!
• Keep your mouth open.
• Beg me to spit in your mouth.
• You want to taste my cock? Beg me.
• Beg me to hurt you.
• When you come, I’m going to hurt you.
• Admit you want the pain.
• Earn the pain.
• You’re going to come, aren’t you, (name or pet name)?
• You’re going to come with (insert circumstances, i.e. ‘my cock in your ass,’ ‘all these clamps on your pussy’ ‘my spit on your face.’)
• Look at you…this is how you were made to be, slut…(insert specifics as to how I’m positioned, i.e. upside down having my mouth fucked like a pussy, ass plugged, welts on my thighs, crawling on all fours.)
• I want you to let it all out.
• Fuck me back. Let everything go!
• Get your hands off me!
• I’ll tell you when to touch me!
• Did I give you permission to (insert unpermitted act i.e. ’stop squeezing my cock’)?
• You’re gorgeous when you submit.
• You’re in your element now, aren’t you?
• Beg me to shove my fat cock in your ass.
• Beg me to shove my fat cock down your throat.
• Don’t you dare hold back!
• Open your mind to me.
• Open your heart to me.
• Open your soul to me.
• I’m going to (insert act: pinch your nipples, strap your pussy, hit you with the wooden spoon, cane you, fuck your ass) until you scream for mercy!
• There will be no mercy.
• You’re mine to play with.
• You’re mine to torment as I choose.
• You look beautiful all tied up like that.
• What a gorgeous little asshole.
• What a pretty little pussy.
• I think it would be even prettier with (whatever object) on it (or in it).
• My my, what a wet little cunt you have.
• This is mine. (Said while squeezing, pinching, or otherwise tormenting a body part).
• Who do you belong to?
• Do what I tell you, bitch (or slut, or cunt, or whore…)!
• You’re so beautiful when you’re coming.
• It pleases me when my little slave comes.
• Thank me for hurting you.
• Kiss it (”it” being a torture implement, the tip of Master’s cock, etc.)
• You can only take the head in your mouth…no more!
• Don’t you dare let go of that cock! If you let go, there’ll be no coming for you today! (rule strictly enforced)
• Who is in control?
• Who owns you?
• Who owns this (pussy, ass, mouth, etc…)?
• No complaints! I don’t want to hear it — this isn’t about you, bitch!

Cold Phrases

• “Because you’re a slut!” (in answer to “why do you deserve…why am I doing…etc.”)
  EXPLANATION: When not scening, my sluttiness is a source of pride to me. When scening, it’s a potential source of degradation only. “Show me how slutty you are” is a turn-off because when scening I don’t “want” to be slutty — I want to be the good girl who is being used against her “will.” However, being forced to beg for or admit that I want something specific (i.e. pain or sexual domination) is a turn-on, because it’s humiliating for the “good girl” to ask for such perverted acts to be done to her.
• “I’m going to tell/show (person or people) how slutty you are.”
  EXPLANATION: Although I’m an exhibitionist on the web and potentially in front of other people in the Scene, I have no desire to be “exposed” to vanillas — in fact, the idea sends a chill of fear through my veins, and not the “good” kind of fear. Perhaps this is a limit that could be explored someday, but at present, I’m not a universal exhibitionist.
• “Come and show me how (insert adjective) you are.”
  EXPLANATION: My brain/body responds to commands, not cajoling. If it seems you’re asking me to come, or trying to convince me to come, my brain concludes you have no real power, and refuses to respond. If my brain perceives that you truly do have the power to tell me to come, it will obey accordingly. Simply repeat the command at about 3-second intervals and I will probably come within 30 seconds of the first command. As to how the command is given, it does matter: “Come for me,” and “Come, (insert name or pet name)” work best. The latter probably works better with a degrading name than with my given name, but the given name also has power. Two phrases that don’t work: “Come now” and “You’re going to come soon.” At this stage in my training, it’s virtually impossible for me to come “Now” the instant the command is given. Since I don’t come directly in response to that command, and I don’t necessarily come in response to “soon,” (which is extra-confusing because my mind then thinks it’s not okay to come at that moment even if I am ready), when I’m given either of these commands, my submissive heart feels like I’ve failed to please my Master, and those feelings of failure can greatly interfere with reaching orgasm once they have taken root in a scene.
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I’m not saying it’s completely gone. But every once in a while, I look around me and take stock of my life and my M/s relationship. And sometimes I find a load has been lifted without my even realizing it was happening — I’m not aware until after the fact, when I breathe an amazed sigh of relief.

I remember when, if Master said to me during a scene, “Come for me,” I would go away from orgasm rather than towards it, because I had striven for so many years to come as quickly as possible during sex with my ex-husband so he would be pleased. Master and I had to voice things very specifically during a scene to avoid triggering unwanted responses and turn-offs.

Contrast that with now, when I can look into my Master’s eyes, and if he says, “Come for me,” I feel my body automatically respond, bypassing my brain, rocketing towards orgasm. My limbic brain now recognizes my Master’s voice and responds to his commands. The connection to my previous stressful sexual encounters has either been broken, or eclipsed by something far stronger. Either way, I’m overjoyed at the difference.

For some time, I had difficulty cooking alone in the kitchen, because of memories I had from after my mom died (when I was the lady of the house for a while at age 14-15 and not appreciated as such) and memories from the first nine or so years of my marriage, when I did virtually the same thing with my husband replacing my father and brother as the male(s) taking me for granted.

Even though I knew my Master would not take me for granted, there was an internal response in me much like the reaction one has when one touches something too hot — the hand jerks away reflexively — the brain doesn’t have anything to say about it.

I knew it was illogical for me, especially as a slave, to not want to cook for my Master while alone in the kitchen. But I also knew that at the time, I was powerless to stop those feelings from overcoming me.

Yesterday, when Master came home, I was baking in the kitchen. This wasn’t the first time, and isn’t the last. Gradually, I am regaining my joy with creating dishes that will please my Master, and the more I do so, the more the old baggage is left behind.

My Master doesn’t take anything I do for granted. Yes, as a slave, many of the things I do are expected. But he appreciates every effort I make as well as every act of submission, sexual or otherwise.

Many couples and families have the problem that they stop saying positive things to each other, and only speak up when something is wrong.

My Master, from day one, has consistently and enthusiastically praised me for my accomplishments. He has never once gone through a day without telling me I’m gorgeous, and that he’s a lucky Master. And I don’t think I will ever, ever, get tired of hearing those things.

I told him once that I have an entire lifetime of being under-appreciated to make up for (as does he). What I didn’t expect was the expediency with which his love, attention, and well-chosen words, in just months, would heal wounds that were inflicted over years and years.

What an amazing, powerful thing love is.

When I can’t think
Or remember where I am
Or why I’m supposed to be happy
When I look at your face and see your lips move
And it takes everything I have to make sense of the words
You still keep telling me
That you love me

It’s been so long
So goddamn long
Since anyone cared
No wonder I forget
No wonder sometimes you don’t seem real

Let me feel your skin against mine
Limbs intertwined
One soul, reunited
Hold me to the earth
Keep me from floating away

And still another day
You love me
And another
And another
And another
It never ends…thank God it never ends…

When I am too weak
To hold up everyday life
You carry me
Telling me
All you need is my love

You know I don’t cry crocodile tears
These are tears of joy coming out of a face that covers a confused mind
That hovers above a heart full of nameless grief

Rein me in masterfully
You know you have all of me
Partner, property or both it doesn’t matter
Everything I am is yours

You appreciate me
You take care of me
Like no other since my mother ever has
Or ever could

I close my eyes
Your hot, furred stomach hard against my cheek
I feel you breathe
As I drift away into sleep
Maybe when I wake, this will all be over
Please let it be over
Let me be myself again

What goes up must come down
What goes down must come up

I know you know
Beyond any shadow of a doubt
That when I come back to you whole
I will care for you
Worship and adore you
Comfort and restore you
Like no other ever has
Or ever will

Such is our faith in each other

Until then
And forever after
You most certainly have my love

From the time I moved in with my Master in May of this year, we’ve had an agreement that I am not to orgasm outside of his presence or without his express command or permission.

Since its inception, I’ve never violated this rule, but it has taken some getting used to. From the time I was a teenager until I moved in with Master, I consistently masturbated to orgasm about every other day, bringing myself to anywhere from two to five orgasms each time.

During the time I was married, I had a fairly regular sex partner (my ex-husband), so some of my orgasms were with him. But I still masturbated frequently, partially because we lacked the time (or the desire?) to have sex often enough to suit my needs, and partially because I was most comfortable having BDSM fantasies on my own anyway, which were my most powerful orgasm triggers.

Unlike some Bipolar patients, I usually retain my sex drive and the need to orgasm despite my mood state. The only exceptions have been the lowest points of my most severe depressions. I can be mildly to moderately depressed, and still interested in sex. I can be mildly to severely manic, and still interested in sex. When I am in remission from mood episodes, I am interested in sex.

Basically, I’m just always interested in sex.

Some medications I’ve taken have made it difficult or impossible to orgasm. In those cases, I’ve worked with my Doctors to minimize the amount of time taking those particular drugs and to find viable alternatives as quickly as possible. Loss of ability to orgasm is simply not an acceptable side effect to me, because I believe regular orgasms are essential to my mental and emotional health.

Some Master/slave couples go through periods of orgasm denial, but my Master and I agreed early on that because of my mood disorder, it was best not to create the stress of orgasm denial for more than a few days in a row. So, he has never deliberately withheld orgasm from me for any significant length of time.

Now, deliberately versus accidentally is another matter.

Even though we’re a TPE couple, we have fallen into the same trap many vanilla couples do — too many things to do in too little time. Between work obligations, staying fit and healthy, and maintaining a household, we all too frequently don’t have time to do everything we’d like. Unfortunately, our “Play” sessions have been a casualty sometimes.

When you’re a BDSM couple, sex gets more complicated, and usually takes more time, than it does for vanilla couples. I simply cannot get off without the right psychological components, and if I truly want to be present in the moment with my Master, I can’t take a mental journey into fantasy elsewhere. So, I’m relying on him to provide the “scene” required to meet both our needs.

Although in the past he had the option of getting off through vanilla sex, as his understanding of his own Dominance matures, my Master increasingly finds that sexual interaction without BDSM is empty and unsatisfying. If time allows, he always has the option of just using me for his own pleasure, with no goal of my having an orgasm. And I love those times — it is part of my nature, as a slave, to want to be used, and being used by my Master with no thought to my own pleasure is deeply fulfilling to me and an irreplaceable part of our relationship.

However, I still need to come.

I haven’t been coming enough. For whatever reasons, it just hasn’t been enough. I’m not being a whiny slave or a brat; I’m simply stating a fact. Not coming often enough is stressful for me, and since I don’t have the outlet of masturbating alone to relieve the pressure, it can be doubly frustrating.

I know I would be a much happier slave if I was allowed to come more often, which, under the present system, would mean we need to scene more often and make those scenes more of a priority than some of our other commitments. It’s either that, or the present system is broken, and I need to be allowed (or ordered?) to masturbate alone under certain conditions.

I have absolutely no desire to come without my Master. I want to do everything with him; share every pleasurable experience with him. I just hope we can find a way to make that happen.