The Real HollyBlue

Okay, here goes:

I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy! (Much bowing and scraping ensues.)

Until a few months ago, I was a lifelong female submissive who had never read any of the Gor novels. Someone I met on CollarMe recommended them, and I, trusting her, bought an electronic version of Tarnsman of Gor, the first novel in the series. Having been a fan of sci-fi/fantasy literature since childhood, I loved it. There wasn’t a whole lot of talk about slavery in that first novel. Slavery was part of the backdrop of the culture in which the novel was set, but the novel itself was an adventure fantasy.

Liking the first novel, and the character Tarl Cabot, I proceeded to read Outlaw of Gor, Priest-Kings of Gor, Nomads of Gor, and Assassin of Gor. Again, in these books, slavery is very much a part of the world of Gor, but not an extremely central part of the story. Also, up to this point, when Tarl Cabot gets a hold of slaves, he seems always to end up freeing them.

It isn’t until some disillusioning events occur in the 6th book of the series, Raiders of Gor, that Tarl becomes harder. His character continues to go through interesting changes in the next few books, and although he still always manages to save the day, he becomes much more Gorean in his philosophy about the treatment of women/female slaves.

Interestingly, in between Tarl’s adventures in the 6th & 8th books, Norman inserts the 7th book of the series, Captive of Gor, which is told entirely from the perspective of a female abducted from earth to become a slave on Gor. It is an interesting story, with an added bonus: a generous sprinkling of thoughts on male/female relationships, sexuality, and Domination/submission. And, every book that follows it in the series contains equally valuable insights, woven within the characters’ thoughts.

I have read a number of passages from these books to my Master. The result has always been the same: me being ravished. Norman’s assessment of the female submissive psyche, and its male Dominant counterpart are spot-on, in my opinion. In fact, I think I’d have to say it’s the best writing I’ve seen on the subject, on or off the Internet.

One thing that really floors me: this series was started before I was even born, and many of the books were first published when I was still a child. It’s amazing to know that so many of the things I’ve figured out throughout my life were written, so clearly, in these fantastic novels (which are still great adventure stories, by the way, even as sex and slavery begin to play a more central role.) When I was burning out brain cells trying to think through what could possibly have caused my “deviant” sexuality, John Norman was busily typing the answers in his novels.

Oh well. The past is past, and one way or another, I came to understand and accept my sexuality, and then I got my hands on these fantastic books.

Why do I write this post? To pay tribute to John Norman, of course, but also to strongly recommend his novels to anyone who is interested in the D/s lifestyle and who likes to read fantasy.

We in the BDSM community are probably all aware of fringe groups of people who try to practice their lifestyles exactly as if they were actually on Gor, including expressions, slave positions, and all the other Gorean accoutrements. And, fearing to be drawn into such “weird” behaviour, we shun the books. At least, that’s basically what I did, at first.

No longer. Even though I don’t plan to start calling myself a kajira and my Master has no plans to brand my thigh, I now have some understanding for those who do go to these extremes. In my heart, I am no different than the Gorean slave girls Norman writes so beautifully, and like them, I wear my collar joyfully, and would never trade it, and its meaning, for the symbols of a more “equal” relationship between a man and a woman. I, like the slave girls of Gor, flourish and bloom in my subjugation. It has been an interesting experience so far, reading my own deepest thoughts and feelings so eloquently expressed by someone else, and a man at that.

So, here’s HollyBlue’s review of the Gor series (the first half, anyway): Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!

Just a note: to read the Gor novels in electronic format past the 8th book, you’ll need to switch from eReader (which is slightly cheaper if you subscribe to their free newsletter) to Fictionwise.com, which offers paid memberships with discounts on ebooks, which could help you if you buy them in great volume.

In order of least favourite to most favourite, here are the aromas that delight my senses:

5) Lilacs
4) Roses
3) The air just after it rains
2) The air just before it snows
1) My Master’s groin and balls at the end of the day.

I am not kidding. I am dead serious. One of the most deeply satisfying parts of my day is when I lie down to sleep, my head on my Master’s abdomen, his cock in my mouth, his subtle musk wafting up to my nostrils. It is both a familiar scent and heady intoxicant, a comfort and a stimulant — undeniably masculine, and also unique, belonging to the man I love, and to him alone.

Many times, when ordered to pleasure his cock with my mouth, I have dallied for a few moments, inhaling deeply around his balls and upper thighs. I absolutely love to lick these areas, and sometimes this pleases him.

As deeply fascinated as I am with my Master’s cock, I can’t seem to resist his scent any more than a feline can resist catnip.

Just after a shower, when he is squeaky clean, I can’t smell a thing, and still I serve him with joy at those times. But there is some kind of chemical reaction that occurs in me after his body has had time to produce its scents. Whether you call it something technical like pheromones, or something mystical like a magic potion, it definitely casts a spell over me.

What a lucky, lucky slave I am, to be, most nights, granted such a magnificent pillow: my Master’s warm, furred stomach, his beloved cock, and his scent, my favourite scent in the whole world.

The title of this post used to be part of someone’s signature on Bondage.com, and for a number of months, it made me feel slightly uneasy whenever I saw it.

I had left my old life, job and country, and moved in with the Master of my dreams. I had something I had never had before, something many people never find, and something I never dreamed I’d have — a fantastic D/s relationship with a wonderful man. So, I’m not too surprised that my thoughts and feelings revolved around this relationship for some time.

I have seen sites on Master-slavery on which it is suggested that the slave repeat affirmations like “I live for my Master,” or “My only wish is to please my Master,” or some such thing. Finally, after nearly a year of experience living in a 24/7 M/s relationship, I feel qualified to venture an opinion on statements like these.

My opinion is this: setting up one’s Master (or slave) as the center of one’s universe, however pleasant for whatever length of time, will, sooner or later, result in enormous disappointment and dissatisfaction with one’s life, and one’s partner.

The reason for this is that there are no perfect Masters, and no perfect slaves. We are all human and, even though some of us are very kind and interesting human beings, we still make mistakes. In addition to being imperfect, we will also never be able to exactly anticipate all of the needs of our partner, and fulfill his or her expectations all the time. Therefore, there will be times when things don’t turn out as we wish them to.

Why am I posting about this topic now? Because I feel I’ve done my readers a bit of a disservice by writing about the idyllic features of my lifestyle without putting it in the perspective of my life as a whole, and as a result, I may be creating unrealistic expectations in the minds of people who visit this site. I don’t want to be responsible for the heartache of anyone who turns his or her world upside down to obtain their ideal Master or slave, only to find that this is not the answer to all of their problems.

Having a wonderful D/s relationship eliminates many problems, that’s for sure. It can be very fulfilling and sexually and emotionally gratifying. It is the opposite of loneliness. But it, in and of itself, cannot be the source of a person’s ultimate happiness, in my opinion. Placing responsibility for one’s happiness on the shoulders of another human being, with his or her own foibles and faults, is setting oneself up for misery.

When I slid into depression last fall, some of the reasons had to do with my M/s relationship not existing exactly as I had expected it to, and my Master not always conforming to my lifelong ideas about how a Master should be. It took several months of medication and meditation to sort out that blaming someone else for my problems was both unkind and incorrect.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, ultimately the only place you can find true happiness is within your own mind. Some people achieve this kind of lasting peace and happiness through spiritual paths, but many people spend their lives looking in all the wrong places, believing they will be happy once they find the right partner, the right job, the right location, the right body, the right material possessions, or even the right religion. However, our situations in life, even if extremely enjoyable on the whole, can never be perfect.

I will continue to write about all of the benefits of a M/s relationship to those whose sexual orientations are compatible with it. I will continue to write about all of the happiness my Master and I bring each other.

But if you, reader, are holding out on happiness until you can find the right D/s relationship, please let it go. Find your happiness, and then if you happen to also find a good relationship, you will enjoy it that much more.

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you
As much as your own thoughts,
unguarded.

~Shakyamuni Buddha

I haven’t posted too much on this site lately, so just in case anyone has been worried about me, I’m doing well and my health is steadily improving. Although the manic components of the mixed Bipolar Episode I had in December have passed, the depressive components have dragged on and on, and it has been a slow, painstaking journey to climb out of that hole. However, I have come a long way from where I was.

Although I’ve written about my fundamentalist Christian upbringing on this site, I haven’t talked much about my current spiritual life. After investigating a number of systems of spiritual thought 4-5 years ago, I found that the teachings of Buddhism resonated the most powerfully with me. During the years since, I’ve studied and practiced Buddhism (sometimes more avidly than others), but within the last two months, I’ve rediscovered its enormous power to relieve suffering. Because of this, I’ve taken some time away from writing to work with my mind in meditation and study of Buddhist teachings.

I’m not going to proselytize here (much), except to draw attention to the quote at the beginning of this post, and share how absolutely true it is for me. So much of the intense suffering I’ve experienced in this life has originated in my mind, in the way my mind deals with the things that happen to me, and in what my mind tells me I need to be happy. Seeing now that so much of what trapped me for years was made of nothing more than thoughts, which can be changed, has been very freeing, and made me feel positive about my chances to live a fuller life and do more for myself and others.

I’m not going to make the mistake some Bipolar people do, and decide all of my emotional/mental problems are controllable with spiritual practices — I clearly understand that my problem is medical and that I will need to take prescription drugs for the rest of my life to remain sane.

However, within the boundaries of sanity can still lie much pain and neurosis. Taking meds makes me much more like a “normal” person, but every “normal” person I know wrestles with his or her own demons — mental illness is not a pre-requisite for being miserable.

That said, I’m doing the best I can to become and stay happier, and to become less self-absorbed and more compassionate towards others.

It is for these reasons that I have taken down my adult gallery. There had been a period of time in my life during which I enjoyed the ego boost I received from people’s interest in and kind remarks about my nude photos, but I find I don’t need the ego boost, or the thrill, or the shock value anymore.

I am much more interested in connecting with people through my words, and continuing to express on this site the development of my M/s relationship, and the development of my own heart. Looking at the site statistics for TheRealHollyBlue.com, I know most of my hits came from people looking at the adult gallery. But I’m willing to give that up. My motivation isn’t to get as many hits as possible.

My primary motivation in putting up this site is, and has always been, to share my experiences as a submissive, in hopes that other people will better understand this sexual orientation and/or become more accepting of themselves and others.

May my words continue to be of benefit to those who read them, and to those who exclusively visited here to look at the adult gallery: thank you, and farewell. I’m glad I provided you with some enjoyment, but the time has come for me to move on.

You don’t ask nicely for admission
There are no sickening, tentative kisses
No waiting for permission

Like a hurricane, you throw open the doors,
And I tremble.

I have every reason to be afraid;
You are not a gentle lover
You will hurt me
But I will relish the pleasure-pain
I am beautiful in my submission, you say
I say you are glorious in your power

No civilized passion could compare
To the intensity
Of your gaze, your eyes, your compulsion to ravish
Digging yourself into me
You pin me
Our hearts thump loudly
And the sound of our quickened breathing
Fills the room

There’s no going back
We are ensorcelled
In an unbreakable spell

When you take me
With nothing held back
It’s not just sex, it’s magic
A collision of souls
A mixing of dreams

Neither of us would settle for
Anything less than everything
And that is how
We won each other

After the storm, I lie in your arms
Tears of gratitude flood my eyes
I am finally here, safe from everything –
Except you.

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following comment on the gallery page of my site:

“Hi Holly. Awesome pics. I was wondering if you would be interested in giving me some perspective into an aspect of the submissive lifestyle which I am curious about. I have a girlfriend who considers herself on the submissive side, and we wished to explore this but for her, penis size is a definite issue with respect to domination. She feels a penis MUST be large in order for her to “feel submissive”, and that a truly dominant man must be packing a huge penis. I noticed in the gallery you certainly seem to have a incredibly well-endowed “master”. I am fascinated as to whether or not you could do a post or correspond with me regarding how size affects you in this lifestyle.

I had to debate with myself for a while on whether to respond to this question. As fun as it is to brag and show off, I have no desire to bring about feelings of inadequacy in Dominant men who have penises of more modest sizes than that of my Master. But I finally decided it was worth explaining my perspective on the matter, if for no other reason than to share what is inside my own brain — whether or not my feelings and thoughts are representative of most submissives’, I’m not sure. But here goes:

The first time I saw my Master’s penis with my own eyes (as opposed to a photograph of it), I felt a jolt of pleasant surprise pass straight from my brain to my sex. Pictures don’t do it justice, especially when it comes to getting a perspective on the length.

I had his measurements, so I knew how thick and long he was. I am not going to give exact measurements of my Master’s cock here, but I will say that at its widest point (the base), his cock has the same circumference as my wrist. If you put my watch on it, it would fit.

That’s a lot of cock.

When we were alone in our hotel room for the first time last March, he had me strip down to my black lace thigh-highs and heels, and he took his shirt off before ordering me over his knee for a spanking. When he finished spanking me, he instructed me to take my stockings and shoes off, and while my back was turned, he removed his pants. When I turned back around, he was naked, half-reclining on the bed.

His erect cock reached most of the way to his navel. When I saw this, I was amazed and delighted. Then, somehow, I ended up on my knees, and as he stood up, he simply said, “Suck it.”

I had been waiting for that moment for months.

I proceeded to do my best to suck it, but I was dealing with a whole different enchilada than I had encountered before. I’ve talked about oral sex and big cocks a lot in my posts on Fellatio and Deep Throat, so I won’t rehash all that here. But suffice it to say that I felt stripped of my usual skill — humbled by the difficulties his girth presented.

Despite my frustration with myself, though, I was still panting and trembling with arousal when a bit later, he prepared to enter me for the first time.

He pressed the thick knob of his cockhead against my entrance, and then pressed harder.

“Relax,” he said.

“I am relaxed,” I said (and I’ll add here that I was more than sufficiently wet — I’d been wet since before I got off the airplane hours earlier).

“Then why am I not getting in?” he asked.

Because I’m tight and you’re freakin’ huge, I thought…but didn’t say it out loud. He pushed harder, and I felt myself painfully stretched as he forced his way in. I absolutely, absolutely loved it.

We were just flirtatious online friends when I first found out how big his cock was. For a bit of background, we met on a large cock site — the Large Penis Support Group (LPSG.org), to be exact. So, his endowment was hardly a surprise, and was a reasonable topic of discussion, considering the circumstances.

Previously, I had believed I physically could not take (into my vagina) anything thicker than about 5 1/2″ in circumference. In my experiments with inserting foreign objects in my pussy, I had tried various things, but I had a certain shampoo bottle that excited me, and that I could never get past my entrance. It measured exactly 6″ in circumference.

My Master pointed out that the bottle did not have a head shaped to aid penetration — that its shape and rigidity were the reasons I couldn’t get it in, not its size. He proceeded to describe some of his sexual encounters, adding that only once had been unable to fit into a woman, and that woman had been surgically altered by one of those “love-enhancement” surgeries, which are actually mutilations.

Anyway, he so turned me on that I went out looking for a dildo of his dimensions so I could find out two things: whether I could suck it, and whether I could get it into my pussy.

As to my experiments with sucking it, please refer to my earlier oral sex posts. I’ll jump ahead here to my experiments with fucking it.

Because the dildo was made of latex, which can irritate my skin, I had bought some non-latex condoms to put on it during use. The shop hadn’t had any large non-latex condoms, so I bought regular-sized ones. I opened the first condom and did my damnedest to get it on. No luck. I couldn’t even get it over the head, after repeated attempts. I discarded the condom and lubed the dildo up with plenty of astroglide. It looked monstrous, colossal — surely I would need lots and lots of lube.

Well, I probably didn’t need that much lube, but I think its presence reassured me as I pushed the dildo against my entrance and it went in. Once it was in, I felt an extreme ache near the opening of my vagina, and I recognized it — it was the same ache I’d originally felt as a young teenager when I first put a foreign object in my pussy (one much smaller than the dildo at present). In effect, it felt as if I was losing my virginity again.

To hold it still was extremely painful. But I noticed as I began to move it in and out of me, it was actually less painful in motion than it had been when it was not moving. I began to stroke my clit. The sensation was overpowering. Partially from excitement, but mostly from intense stimulation, I probably came in less than a minute.

As soon as I came, I wanted it out! The thing hurt like crazy!

After that, I knew two things: It would fit, and it felt extremely good, under the right circumstances. However, it could also be extremely painful.

Is there a more perfect cock for a submissive masochist to be paired with? In my case, definitely not, at least when it comes to vaginal and anal sex. Being fucked by my Master is overwhelming. Over time, I’ve gotten more used to the initial penetration, and it is not as agonizing unless I’m sore or it’s early in the morning. I get sore often — really sore. But is it worth it? Hell, yeah.

Rewind to the early years of my life, when my sexual identity was forming, and I was having my first submissive fantasies. At first, it was enough to imagine being forcibly taken by a man, or by multiple men. But at some point, as my sexuality developed further and after I’d had some real-life sexual experience, the size of the cock became an issue. As a submissive, as a masochist, I not only wanted to be dominated and penetrated, I wanted to feel it, as intensely as possible, even and especially to the point of pain.

The bigger the cock, the more intense the feeling. Thus, I had sought during my life to play with girthy objects, and had been with a number of men of various endowments, but had never run into a cock as thick as my Master’s.

To compare and contrast, my ex-husband’s cock was sufficiently big and well-shaped to stimulate me to orgasm, and it was big enough to leave me (and him) sore if we fucked a lot. He was of more-than-average endowment, but not to any great degree. His cock has a nice upward curve, though, which is very stimulating to the G-spot in face-to-face positions, and makes the “effective” girth of his cock greater than its measurement.

So, Rick, in an attempt to answer your questions, I’ll ask myself some of my own:

If my Master had my ex-husband’s cock, would it be okay?

Of course it would!!!

He would still be my Master, my nasty Dominant Sadist, and even if he couldn’t hurt and dominate me with his cock (much), he could still hurt and dominate me in plenty of other ways. I could still worship his cock with my mouth and, in fact, it would be a bit easier to do that, because a smaller cock is easier to suck.

But would I still fantasize about large cocks? Yes, I would.

Would I want to be penetrated by large objects? Yes, I would.

Would I regret having a Master who didn’t have an enormous cock? No, I wouldn’t.

Would I be faithful to my Master, not looking to “trade up” in terms of endowment? Absolutely.

The dynamics of Domination and submission, Sadism and masochism, are far more powerful and all-encompassing than the size of the Dominant’s penis. In fact, my Master’s huge cock is actually dwarfed when compared to the importance of the spark we share together; the way our kinks and personalities complement one another’s, and the tremendous love we have for each other.

Being fucked by my Master is overwhelming, but not just because of the stimulation. It is overwhelming because he is my Master.

But the size and gorgeous shape of his cock are a huge bonus to our relationship (pun intended) — the icing on the cake, so to speak, and some pretty thick, tasty icing at that.

He can stretch me with his girth so that I feel as if I’m being split in two when he enters me. When he fucks me hard, he pounds my core with his length, leaving my uterus throbbing. Not only can this man beat me with his hand, a flogger, a whip, or a strap — he can give me a real internal drubbing with his penis.

And when it comes to cock worship, I am blessed to have as an object of my worship such an absolute work of art. I would worship my Master’s cock regardless, but I must confess this one is infinitely easy to adore because of its beauty and power.

So, Rick, for me as a submissive, size does matter.

But chemistry matters more.

I hope that answers your question.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve heard or read something like the following, either in a documentary, or a book, or from other people.

“False forms of love:
Love is not the infatuation stage or the sex act. Many times we feel a lot of powerful, passionate and positive emotions when we first start dating. This is called the infatuation stage, and it slowly fades in every new relationship. The infatuation stage is a calling to develop a deeper relationship with that person…

“Some people think the infatuation stage should last forever. They go from one relationship to the next chasing those feelings, hoping once they find the right partner, they will experience the infatuation stage for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, that won’t happen, because the infatuation stage affects our brain chemistry almost like a form of anxiety. Our bodies can’t sustain that chemical condition for very long and eventually the high wears off and the honeymoon is over.”*

Everybody says it. Most everybody believes it, even if they’d rather not — that “falling in love” is a temporary feeling, a preparation for more “real” types of love — that giddy feelings of lust for the same person will run their course and there had better be something more “solid” underneath it for the relationship to survive.

Most of us look at the end of the honeymoon stage as something inevitable, like getting wrinkles on our faces, or the tires on our car wearing out, only it tends to happen much faster — in a matter of weeks or months, rather than years or decades.

Today, more than a year after falling in love with my Master, I’m here to say,

Fuck That!!!

When my Master stands close to me and I can feel his heat and energy, lust practically crackles between us. I can become breathless with desire just by watching him undress. His kiss is like a drug, his touch electric.

I feel a surge of excitement when I hear him at the door after he has been out. When I kneel at his feet, my heart often pounds with lustful anticipation. When he fucks me, I am utterly overwhelmed.

We are both amazed at how our “infatuation” with each other continues to grow, long after we thought it was as strong as any infatuation could possibly be. For a time, we feared, and perhaps expected, the “natural” diminishment of the high we feel when we think of each other, and when we are together. But it hasn’t happened. And if it hasn’t happened by now, I believe it doesn’t have to happen ever, if we don’t want it to.

Call me naive, but I believe this phenomenon is not just specific to my Master and me. I believe it is a natural product of D/s energy allowed to grow and resonate between two people. I’ve not known of it happening in a vanilla relationship, so I don’t know if it does, or how often it does. But I have heard and read of other D/s partners enjoying the same experience we have — that of being perpetually and ever more strongly in love.

I’m not sure how it works, or why it works, but I believe the D/s dynamic keeps the fire of romance stoked in relationships that would otherwise become stale over time, relying on underlying feelings of filial love to keep the couple together.

And yes, I would definitely say my Master and I have those underlying feelings — deep, abiding respect and unconditional caring for one another. If our relationship had to stand on those feelings alone, it could. But what a tremendous joy it is to have not only those feelings, but also to feel the same thrill now that I felt when I used to read my Master’s words in chat or email, when I first heard his voice on the phone, when he said good night and good morning to me so many days from 1300 miles away, when with incredible excitement we clasped hands for the first time across a railing at the Toronto Airport, when I first looked into his eyes and saw the man rather than a photograph, when I first felt our bodies come together, skin to skin, my breasts brushing the hair on his chest, when I first felt the smack of his palm upon my body, and when he claimed my cunt with his thick cock for the first time.

I’m not going to write on and on and theorize about why our feelings are so deliciously strong and still growing. I will only say that to those who have not yet experienced such things:

This can happen to you, too. It is out there. You don’t have to settle, and you don’t have to keep looking for different people to keep infatuation and lust alive. Find the right person, the right complement to your kink, your personality, and your heart, and I believe it will happen.

I know, easy to say, hard to do. But I sincerely wish the joy my Master and I experience could be shared by many more people. My heart goes out to all of those who are still in sexual torment for whatever reason — may you experience freedom, and love.

I will close this entry by posting a sonnet I wrote for Master while waiting at San Jose Airport to fly back to Denver from a business trip in January 2007. Just that morning, Master had told me he had never been so sure of anything in his life than he was of us. At that time, I was not just in love, but in an agony of lust for Master; I had plane tickets to see him two months later, but that seemed an eternity away.

Never would I have believed that the lust I expressed in this little spout of iambic pentameter would not only endure, but continue to grow ever stronger, more than a year later. I would have thought it more than I could possibly stand — I would have believed I could not contain such intensity of feeling and would have to either explode somehow or let it go.

But I can stand it if Master can, and we do explode — with passion, every time our bodies come together.

(Written Jan. 22, 2007):

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not real
Trust our love, believe in what you feel

*Source = “About Love” by Robert Abel

I’m bored with commercial BDSM porn.

More specifically, I should say that I’m bored with the Bondage/Fucking/S&M porn produced by sites like Sex and Submission and Bound and Fucked.

Every once in a while, sites like these actually turn out a good flick in which the sub appears to be a true submissive and/or masochist, and the Dom demonstrates great skill at both psychological and physical Domination. These are a joy to watch. Also, sites such as Hogtied and Device Bondage (that depict bondage and torture but not fucking/fellatio) seem to turn out a higher percentage of quality scenes. But I would love to see all of it (sex and BDSM) brought together into a truly powerful display more often than a few times a year.

Okay. I know this post is…um…just a bit of an opinionated rant, but I really can’t help wondering, in most BDSM porn, if the “subs” consider themselves Actors, why don’t they bother to at the very least churn out a believable performance? I have seen a staggering number of clips depicting sniveling wimps being tortured and not acting the least bit turned on. Perhaps that’s why these sites refer to the participants as “models” and not actors — then there is no expectation that they should be able to act.

And now, for my number one complaint about BDSM porn:

Commands are not enforced!

Even some of the “best” Doms, such as Sex & Submission’s Mark Davis, seem to punish or chastise sporadically, if at all, when their commands are disobeyed. To me, this lets the sexual energy out of the scene as effectively as letting go of an untied balloon. It meanders erratically for a bit, making rude noises, then unceremoniously flops to the floor in a pitiful heap.

So does a scene, if the Dom does not Dominate.

In my opinion, Domination is much, much more than just hard fucking, bondage, whipping, nipple torture, and humiliation play. At the very foundation of any successful scene is the complete control of the Dominant, whether the submissive chooses to behave initially or not. I, personally, lose all sexual arousal when I’m watching a clip and the Dom gives up control to the sub — and that’s exactly what is occurring whenever a submissive fails to follow a clear command (including “standing” orders given earlier in the session), and the Dom does not reprimand or punish her.

When my Master and I first started scening, our experience was limited to:

1. Our individual fantasies, forged over the years in our kinky brains but never acted out
2. My extensive reading of BDSM literature, mostly fiction
3. Porn clips we had watched separately and together

Actually, watching some porn clips together has been incredibly useful. If the scene is successful, or even if parts of it turn one or the other of us on, we can tell each other and try to articulate what exactly we find so hot.

But more often than not, we’re individually and collectively exclaiming things such as:

• “Hit her harder, FFS!”
• “Oh, stop whining!”
• “May I please come, Sir!”

The issue in the last statement is the failure to address the Dom as Sir or Master when she was explicitly directed to always do so at the beginning of the session. This is probably the most common unpunished infraction we see in BDSM porn, and it’s such a simple thing! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to remember to address the Dominant as instructed, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to remember to reprimand a sub who fails to follow protocol!!!

My Master doesn’t tolerate it one bit. Ever. Therefore, I learned the lesson very quickly.

In fact, whenever I disobey, whether we are scening or not, punishment is usually swift and unpleasant, and even if it has to be delayed for time or health reasons, the punishment always occurs, eventually. My Master is 100% consistent with enforcing protocols, rules, and commands, and has zero tolerance for laziness or disobedience on my part. It does not matter if I simply “forgot.” The expectation is that I will remember and do as he asks.

I am extremely thankful to have such a strict Master, because I need it so, so much. If he did not enforce the structure of our D/s dynamic, I believe it would crumble, because it is based on him having the power and control, and my surrendering them to him. A leader who allows his followers to be lazy and do basically whatever the hell they want is not going to maintain control over his followers for long. And this is exactly what I see happening in BDSM porn.

Oh, and another thing: Just once, in a BDSM porn clip, when the “sub” asks permission to come, I’d like to see the Dom say, “No!” This happens to me; it probably happens to most real subs. So why in the fuck does it not happen in porn? Those of us who are watching are most likely either Dominant or submissive, and a high percentage of us are turned on by the occasional denial of an orgasm, especially if the sub has been behaving like a brat. Why not give us, the viewers, what we want? Come on, porn actresses — take one for the team!

Anyway, to my readers: If you have never scened in real life and have only seen BDSM porn, please do not be discouraged, especially if you’re viewing porn that contains fucking. Real life scening is (in my experience) usually not nearly as lame. I think the most likely reason for the low quality of BSDM porn is that models who are willing to fuck on camera and are submissive/masochistic are just too rare, so the producers of the films are employing porn actresses who are not submissive, and unfortunately, the producers don’t seem to hold the actresses, or their Doms, to very high standards of performance. Be assured that in real D/s relationships (at least in my own), the expectations are much, much higher for both the quality and consistency of Domination and the completeness of submission.

On the other hand, BDSM written erotica is often much better. I’d say less than 10% of BDSM video porn contains high-quality Domination and submission, whereas less than 10% of BDSM erotica does not contain high-quality Domination and submission. That’s a total reversal of statistics, and one I pay attention to closely.

BDSM erotic fiction writers and their publishers are still getting my money. BDSM porn sites are not.

And thank God, once again, that my Master models his behaviour after no one else, following only what is in his own heart and mind and being his own kind of Dom. He may not always Dominate in the way I would like him to, and that is exactly as it should be. His greatest power, and my greatest submission, are demonstrated when I do something I do not want to do, simply to please him with my total surrender and obedience.

For me, a world where rules are enforced is logical and safe. If they were not enforced, things would feel very chaotic and scary for a sub like me. I know all subs are not the same, but I believe in most cases, the relationship is healthier if the Master/Dom errs on the side of too much strictness, rather than too much leniency; both inside and outside the dungeon.

I wrote this post on Bondage.com today in response to a user’s questions, and liked it so much I decided to post it here, too.

1. What is Love?

   The word “love” in the English language is used to mean many different things. For my Master and me, it hardly seems adequate to describe what we feel for each other. We say we love each other; we say we adore each other, but we both wish there was some word…somewhere…that would really communicate the awesome depth and consuming power of the feelings we have between us.

   I believe there is “love,” and there is also being “in love,” which can happen at the same time, but don’t always. I love my father, brothers, sister, stepmother, and aunts very much, but I’m not in love with them.

   I love my Master, and I am in love with him.

   Some of the best advice I ever got on how to tell if you are in love came from a member on another site, who said, “if you think you are in love, you are.” The experience of being in love, of falling in love, is subjective and may mean different things for different people. For me, it is a giddy, consuming adoration with heavy undertones of lust; a wanting to totally merge with the other person, to spend every moment with them, to share everything passionately, physically, intellectually, and emotionally. It is a high better than I’ve ever gotten from any drug or even from BDSM play (which is also a high better than any drug, for me).

   Love can be romantic, filial, or both. For me, it usually means caring about someone very deeply — caring about his or her feelings enough that I am willing to set my own aside and see things through his or her eyes on a regular basis.

   Some people think love is doing unto others as you would have them do to you.

   I believe it is doing unto others as they need you to do. What they need you to do is not always the same as what they want you to do. Love is refusing to support someone’s self-destructive behaviour, instead giving them your strength to do what is ultimately in their best interest. And the needs in a D/s relationship are definitely not the same from one person to another, since usually, one of you is a Dominant sadist and the other a submissive masochist.

   I also agree with those who say that love is something you do as much as something you feel.

   Love makes us rise above our own weaknesses and insecurities and be a tower of strength for our loved ones when they need us. Love makes us suspend judgment and comfort our loved ones if they have made a mistake. Love makes us cry with people, not try to get them to stop crying because it scares us. Love makes us accept people, taking the whole person, complete with strengths and weaknesses and loving them just as they are in the present, not loving who we hope they will become in the future.

2. What is Sex?

   Sex is the physical expression of lust between two or more people. In my ideal world, sex should always be accompanied by passion. Sex between people who want each other very much is so much better than any other kind that I don’t want to ever having sex again with someone I’m not strongly attracted to (although I have done that in the past.)

3. What is Romance?

   I agree with the earlier poster who said romance is a mixture of sex and love. It usually involves giving, and often involves surprises.

4. Is there a Place for Love in BDSM?

   Fuck yeah!!! What kind of question is that?

   Just kidding. Sort of. I know some people believe that if a Master loves his slave and/or the slave loves her Master, it muddles the relationship. I don’t believe this is true, at least not for me and my Master.

   For us, love is the fertile ground in which our BDSM relationship took root, and it provides the continuing nourishment our M/s relationship needs to stay strong and grow. I believe that for us, without love, our BDSM relationship could not survive, the two are so deeply intertwined.

5. Is there a Place for BDSM in Love?

   Of course there is, for the same reasons I gave in the last question.

Here they are, at long last — the promised posts containing my Master’s and my current protocols. I’ve had a draft in progress for a long time, but it was getting quite cumbersome because it was worded very formally and divided into columns explaining the purpose for each protocol as well as other details.

Finally, I decided to scrap that version and take a different, more conversational approach. So, following is an informal description of the protocols we have in place now, based on the flow of a typical day. Where not stated, it can be assumed that the purpose of a protocol is to strengthen and reinforce our relationship and the D/s dynamic between us. Also, I’m not going to state the consequences for breaches of each protocol specifically, because in every case, if I don’t follow protocol, I am punished. The punishment matches the severity of the infraction, and for us, breach-of-protocol punishments are among the most severe, because our protocols are of utmost importance to us — they are the foundation upon which our M/s dynamic stands firm.

In the morning, my Master usually awakens first. He requires less sleep than I do, and although we go to bed together, by the time I wake up in the morning, usually he has already left the bed.

When I arise, my first tasks are to go to the washroom and brush my teeth. Following those things, I am to report immediately to my Master, wherever he happens to be in the house.

When I first enter his presence, I kneel before him and say the following affirmation:

“I am your slave. I belong to you. As I go about this day, I will remain aware that I may be called upon at any time to serve you or to be used for your pleasure.”

The affirmation gets me in the right frame of mind immediately, and helps make me ready for any orders my Master may give during the day. It prepares me and reminds me that no matter what I’m doing, my most important job is to be my Master’s servant and fuck-toy. No other activity takes precedence over my Master’s immediate needs. Sometimes I repeat the affirmation to myself during the day if I’m feeling off-kilter, or to my Master at his command, if he feels I need re-centering.

After I say my morning affirmation, my Master says an affirmation to me. He says:

“I am your Master. I will use you when and how I see fit. I will do my best to guide you, protect you, and look after you, so that you may be healthy and happy in my care.”

After the affirmations, we usually embrace and cuddle a bit. There may be a short bout of cock-sucking. Usually, there is no fucking right then, because my pussy tends to be “asleep” for about a half hour after I wake up. For some reason, if Master fucks me with that thick cock of his before I’ve had a chance to fully awaken, I experience it as purely pain and no pleasure, and the ache persists for several hours afterward.

However, it is understood that if he wants to fuck me at that time, it is his right to do so, and I am to submit and not complain about the discomfort. If I am aching excessively, he may allow me to stimulate my clitoris and/or to have an orgasm midmorning, as that generally relieves any residual pain from early-morning intercourse.

After we cuddle, we go our separate ways for about fifteen minutes. This allows me to ease into the day in a healthy way (whether because of my medications, my Bipolar Disorder, or just my personality, I tend to have difficulty dealing with others right after I wake up. We have found that the best solution for us to begin the day on the right footing and start me off in a positive mood is to give me some time to wake up after we have said our affirmations , before we relate further).

Next, we have breakfast together. During breakfast, we may chat freely, although our normal speech protocols are in place as always.

I do not have to ask permission to speak, but we observe the following speech protocols 24/7 (except around vanillas as Master allows):

1. I am always to address him as Master or Sir, never by his given name.
2. I am always to address him respectfully. Sarcasm, condescension, raised voice, and any other forms of disrespectful speech are strictly forbidden.
3. When told to be quiet, I am to obey immediately.
4. When asked a question, I am to respond promptly and with total honesty. I have no secrets from my Master.
5. When speaking to my Master, or listening to him speak, I am to maintain eye contact whenever possible (we are different from some other M/s couples who have eye contact restrictions…looking at each other when we communicate is my Master’s specific preference).

After breakfast, we shower, usually together. It is understood that I will follow any and all orders immediately and with a positive attitude. It is understood that keeping my Master’s cock and balls clean is my responsibility, and I am to clean them at any time of the day by whatever method he specifies. When we shower, I am often also directed to wash his ass and other parts of his body as well.

He also derives joy from washing me, so I am to submit to it without impatience. We will finish showering and get on with our day on my Master’s timetable, not mine.

I may be called upon to suck his cock in the shower, or take it into either my pussy or my ass. I am to submit with enthusiasm and with the goal of giving him as much pleasure as possible. The only excuse for stopping is if I become dizzy from the heat, in which case I am expected to tell him. Although he likes to use me in the shower, he has no desire to begin the workday with his slave sick and weak. Failing to notify him of any serious physical difficulties I’m having when we are playing or fucking is considered a breach of protocol at all times.

I am trained to respond to two nonverbal commands. No matter where we are, and no matter what time it is, if my Master snaps his fingers once, I have thirty seconds to be sucking his cock. If he snaps his fingers twice, I have thirty seconds to be on my back and naked on the nearest available surface, ready for him to penetrate me.

I am trained to assume ten different slave positions on command. We have selected and named the positions as they make the most sense to us. Some of our names may refer to different positions than they do for other M/s couples. The positions I am trained to assume are:

1. Kneel Up (on knees, hands behind head)
2. Kneel Down (on knees, sitting on heels, legs spread as wide apart as possible, hands on thighs (or clasped behind me for cock-sucking), back straight, breasts jutting forward)
3. Submission (on knees, butt on heels, torso bent over, forehead touching floor)
4. On All Fours (self-explanatory)
5. Usage (same as On All Fours but with forehead to the floor/sofa/bed and resting on elbows and knees rather than hands and knees)
6. Display (standing, legs wide apart, toes forward, hands behind my head, looking straight ahead)
7. Punishment (standing, legs wide apart, bent forward with hands grabbing my ankles or, if more balance is needed (i.e. if I’m being fucked in the position) I’m allowed to put my hands on the floor between my legs)
8. Belly (lying face down on bed or floor, legs and arms splayed out)
9. Beg (lying face up on bed or floor, legs and arms splayed out)
10. Inspect (lying on back on bed or floor, legs bent toward my chest, gripping my feet in my hands, thighs apart and butt lifted)